My Confession

Wow. Has it really been a year and a half since I’ve written in this blog? Well, I guess it’s good that I was able to get one in before year is over! So I bet you screaming fans are wondering why I haven’t written in so long. There was the tremendous temptation to give the usual excuse. I have been busy with family or with life. But that wouldn’t be true. Truth is I haven't written because of fear. I have dealt with anxiety in one way or another for as long as I can remember. Fear comes in different forms for different people. For me I was always fearful of judgement. I always cared about what people thought of me to the point of living with anxiety. When I was in grad school I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I was terrified of going to large social situations and I was a really high self-monitoring person(always thinking about how I am being perceived). I have come a long way since then. I have been able to overcome my anxiety to a level where I was no longer living in fear. Since then anxiety has been a thing of the past. I now look forward to large social events and public speaking has not been a problem. I learned to not care about what people thought and life was merry. 

But I guess old habits die hard.  Opening this practice was a particular challenge for me. I had to put my face on a website and I had to promote myself. I had to create an Instagram and write blog posts. And these two things ladies and gentlemen were ridiculously hard for me. It would take me forever to write one Instagram post and after I was so spent and didn’t want to even think about posting again. I actually like writing blog posts but the anxiety of how it would be received made require much more energy than it should have. I would carefully craft each sentence to try and sound “smart” or “insightful” instead of just doing what I have always done when I write: just write like I talk. I would get Jess to proofread and I would rewrite things until I found the post to be acceptable. I would be careful not to be too transparent or reveal too much of myself. Even then, pushing the publish button was nerve wracking. 

Writing has always been in the back of my mind and people always encourage me to do it but I continued to put it off because the fear made it into such a huge production. However, in my practice I have noticed how my clients had to face fears and how courageous they were. I would tell them “Who cares what they think!” and I meant it. I guess along the way I forgot to tell that to myself. Well here I am telling myself that in front of you. I have seen my clients overcome the most intense fears and they have inspired me. So I sat down to write this post. I did not edit it. Jess hasn’t read it. It didn’t take me long because I just sat down at my computer and shared honestly. It is the bravest thing I have done in a while. And I am on record saying that I am going to post much more in the coming new year with much more honest posts because...well...I don’t care what you think. Happy new year!